Going through a divorce is one of the most challenging experiences you can face. Your life changes in many major ways, and it can often feel completely overwhelming—this is doubly true when kids are involved.
When emotions run high, it is easy for things to get out of hand, but with the right approach, you can make the process less painful, and even healthy. At Ilarraza Law, we believe it is possible to have a good divorce—what we call a healthy divorce.
What Is a Healthy Divorce?
A healthy divorce is one where you and your spouse commit to handling the process with integrity, respect, and a focus on positive solutions (rather than drawn-out conflict).
However, it does not mean there are no disagreements or that the process is free from challenges. Instead, in a good divorce, you and your spouse make an effort to:
- Communicate openly and honestly
- Negotiate in good faith
- Put the needs of your children first
- Avoid blame and keep things as amicable as possible (even when disagreeing)
- Act professionally, treating each other with respect
When you and your spouse approach divorce this way, you are much more likely to reach fair agreements and preserve important family relationships.
This is especially important if you have kids. Having a healthy divorce helps you establish a positive co-parenting dynamic for the future and reduces the chances that your kids will be traumatized by the process.
The unfortunate reality is that many divorces devolve into high-conflict, drawn-out battles that leave everyone involved emotionally and financially drained.
Spouses start to view each other as enemies to be defeated rather than as partners in restructuring their family. This is unhealthy, and it takes a major toll on everyone involved, including your children.
On the other hand, if you actively find ways to move through the process while acting professionally and respectfully, you are much more likely to have a healthy divorce.
How to Have a Good Divorce: 4 Critical Actions to Take
What does it actually take to have a healthy divorce? Based on our extensive experience guiding clients through the divorce process, we have identified 4 critical actions for couples who want to have a healthy divorce.
1. Commit to Being Respectful
Divorce heightens emotions like anger, resentment, and fear. It is normal to cycle through feelings of grief, disappointment, and frustration as you mourn the end of your marriage.
However, giving in to negativity often just breeds more conflict. While you cannot control your spouse’s behavior, you can commit to taking the high road.
We encourage spouses to treat each other with a basic level of respect, even in the face of serious disagreements.
Avoid rehashing old arguments or drudging up past wrongs. Refrain from bad-mouthing each other to friends and family. Definitely do not talk badly about each other in front of your children (this is an important habit to break as it can get you in trouble down the road for parental alienation).
When tensions rise, take a deep breath and remember that you have a choice in how you respond.
2. Focus on the Future
Divorce forces you to make critical, possibly painful decisions about property division, financial support (alimony), child custody, visitation, and child support. With so much at stake, it is easy to let your emotions get the best of you and lash out.
However, in a healthy divorce, spouses work to stay focused on their long-term goals and interests. They think about what they want their lives and their children’s lives to look like five or ten years down the road.
When you and your spouse commit to listening to each other and working together, you are much more likely to end up with a healthy divorce.
3. Prioritize Your Children
For parents, one of the most difficult and painful aspects of divorce is the impact it has on their children.
Kids often struggle to understand and cope with this major life transition. They may experience deep sadness at the loss of their family or fear about how their day-to-day lives will change.
If you are trying to have a good divorce, you should commit to shielding your children as much as possible from adult conflicts. Avoid arguing in front of your kids, and never put them in the middle by using them as messengers or someone to confide in.
Instead, provide age-appropriate explanations and plenty of reassurance. Tell and show your kids that you and your spouse still love them deeply and will always be there for them.
4. Take Advantage of Mediation
The vast majority of divorces in Texas are completed without going to court; however, when you feel like you and your spouse simply cannot agree on certain issues, mediation can help.
In fact, many judges will require couples to go through mediation no matter what. They do this because, in many cases, mediation is enough to resolve all conflicts.
In mediation, a neutral third party (the mediator, who is also an attorney) helps you and your spouse discuss your needs and reach agreements on the issues in your divorce that you cannot agree on.
During mediation, you do not have to even see your spouse—you (and your attorney if you have one) will sit in one room, your spouse (and their attorney if they have one) will sit in another, and the mediator will go back and forth throughout the process.
In most cases, we find that mediation leads to healthier divorces with better outcomes for everyone involved.
You Can Have a Healthy Divorce
If you are facing divorce, you have a choice in how you approach the process.
Will you treat your former partner as an enemy and battle them at every turn? Or will you try to work together to restructure your family as positively as possible under the circumstances?
While the first path may feel satisfying in the moment, acting with integrity, respect, and an eye on the future leads to better results in the long run, influencing everything from the amount of property you walk away with to your children’s lives post-divorce and more.
If you need help navigating the divorce process in a healthy way, we are here for you.
Contact us today to set up your initial consultation or call us directly at (214) 646-3253.
