Divorce is one of the most challenging life events for families to navigate, especially when children are involved. As family law attorneys, clients often ask us how to tell kids about divorce in a way that minimizes the emotional impact.
Breaking the news to your children and helping them cope with the changes ahead can be daunting, but with careful planning and a unified approach, you can make this difficult conversation a little easier.
Preparing for the Conversation
Before sitting down with your children to explain the situation, it is crucial for you and your spouse to present a united front, even if you are not on the best of terms.
Set aside your differences and work together to plan how you will break the news to your kids. Here are some key aspects to consider and agree upon before the conversation.
Choose Timing
Choose a time when you can have a private, uninterrupted conversation with your children. Avoid breaking the news right before school, bedtime, or important events like birthdays or holidays.
Ideally, tell them at the beginning of a weekend or a school break so they have time to process the information without immediate external pressures.
Select a Location
Have the conversation in a place where your children feel safe, comfortable, and free from distractions. This will likely be at home and in a room where your children feel secure.
Decide Who Will Be There
Whenever possible, we recommend that both parents be present to tell the children together. This demonstrates a united front and reassures the kids that you will both continue to be there for them, even if you are no longer married.
If there are extenuating circumstances that prevent you from telling them together, aim to at least have the conversation on the same day to avoid confusion.
Outline Key Talking Points
Outline the most important messages you want to convey to your children during the conversation. Having a plan and sticking to it will help keep the discussion on track and ensure that you cover all the essential points.
Prepare Answers to Potential Questions
Consider the questions your children might ask and discuss with your spouse how you will answer in a way that is both honest and age-appropriate.
It is okay not to have all the answers, and it is also okay to say, “That is not something we can talk about right now.” Having a general idea of how you will respond to common questions will make the conversation go more smoothly.
What to Say and How to Say It
This conversation will likely stand out in your children’s memory for years to come, so it is essential to convey the key messages clearly and with compassion.
The overarching theme should be one of reassurance and unconditional love. Here are the most crucial points to communicate when explaining divorce to your children.
Emphasize That the Divorce Is not Their Fault
Many children will instinctively blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. Make it abundantly clear that they did nothing to cause this and that the decision to separate is one made solely by the adults.
Reassure them that they are blameless and deeply loved by both parents. You may want to have answers ready for specific questions about their own behavior.
For example, if they have been getting in trouble at school, you may want to be ready to say something like, “You getting in trouble is not why we are separating. It has nothing to do with this.”
Reaffirm Your Love and Commitment as Parents
Emphasize that even though your relationship as spouses is ending, your roles as their parents will never change.
Make it crystal clear that your love for them is unchanging and unconditional. Use “I” statements to express your individual feelings and commitment, such as “I will always love you, no matter what.”
Discuss Any Changes to Their Daily Lives and Routines
Be upfront about any changes that may occur in their day-to-day lives, such as living arrangements, school, or schedules.
At the same time, reassure them about all the things that will remain constant, including their relationships with extended family and friends, their extracurricular activities, and your involvement in their lives.
The more stability and predictability you can provide, the more secure they will feel during the transition.
Validate Their Feelings and Encourage Open Communication
Divorce evokes a wide range of emotions in children, including sadness, anger, fear, confusion, and even relief in high-conflict situations.
Encourage your kids to share their thoughts and feelings with you, both during the initial conversation and in the weeks and months to come.
Validate their emotions, acknowledging that it is normal and okay to feel however they feel. Make it safe for them to express themselves without judgment or attempts to talk them out of their feelings.
Reassure Them of Your Constant Presence and Involvement
Reaffirm your commitment to your parental responsibilities and your unwavering involvement in their lives.
If you have worked out any co-parenting arrangements or schedules, share the high-level details so they know what to expect in terms of spending time with each parent. Reinforce the message that you will both be there for them no matter what.
The Level of Detail to Share
The level of detail you share will depend largely on the age and maturity level of your children.
With younger kids, keep the explanations simple, high-level, and focused on how this will affect their day-to-day lives. Avoid delving into adult issues like infidelity, addiction, financial problems, or other conflicts between you and your spouse.
Older children and teenagers may press for more detailed information about the reasons behind the divorce. While it is important to be honest, we advise against oversharing details of your marital issues or speaking negatively about the other parent.
If you do not have an answer to a question, it is better to say “I am not sure yet, but I will let you know as soon as I can,” rather than making something up or making promises you cannot be certain you can keep.
Acknowledge that there have been adult problems in the marriage that you have been unable to resolve, but emphasize that regardless of those issues, you both remain dedicated to your roles as parents.
We Are Here to Help
We understand that telling your children about your impending divorce is one of the most heart-wrenching conversations you will ever have.
While we cannot take away the pain of this major life transition, we can offer guidance on how to approach this difficult discussion in a way that minimizes the impact on your children and sets the stage for healthy co-parenting in the future.
Contact us today to set up your initial consultation or call us directly at (214) 646-3253.
