As family law attorneys, we see firsthand the devastating impact that parental conflict can have on children. When you fight or argue in front of your children, it creates a stressful, destabilizing environment that can negatively affect their emotional well-being and development.
However, it is possible to resolve conflicts positively and show your children how to work through disagreements in a healthy way.
In this post, you’ll learn about the damage that toxic arguments can have on your children, the specific ways that children of various age groups can be harmed by these arguments, and what you can do to change the way you work through conflict with your spouse.
The Psychological Toll of Parents Fighting in Front of a Child
Parents fighting in front of a child can be a traumatic experience, no matter how old your children are. When we talk about “fighting,” we mean toxic conflict, which can include physical or verbal abuse but might also include constant bickering, sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or the silent treatment.
All these behaviors create a tense, toxic atmosphere that eats away at a child’s emotional well-being. Children look to their parents as a source of safety, stability, and support. When they see the two people they depend on most engaged in hostile conflict, it erodes their sense of security.
In contrast, positive conflict resolution is respectful and constructive. It may take place behind closed doors, but it does not necessarily have to be hidden—it can be healthy for children to see how conflict can be resolved positively, provided the topic is not one that induces anxiety or anger in your children.
Generally, low-importance arguments that are resolved in a healthy way in front of your children are best.
They are more likely to struggle in school, act out behaviorally, and have difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life. In severe cases, the psychological damage from growing up in a high-conflict home can last well into adulthood.
Of course, every child is different, and some are more resilient than others. Factors like your child’s temperament, coping skills, and support system can influence how much he or she is impacted by parental conflict.
How Parental Conflict Affects Children at Different Developmental Stages
The effects of parents arguing in front of a child differ depending on each child’s age and developmental stage.
Infants and Toddlers (0–3 years)
- Crankiness, clinginess, or regressed behaviors like thumb-sucking
- Disrupted sleep or eating routines
- Failure to meet developmental milestones
Preschoolers (3–6 years)
- Blame themselves for parental conflict
- Acting out, temper tantrums, aggression
- Nightmares, anxiety, clinginess
- Regression in language or toilet training
School-age Children (6–12 years)
- Feelings of guilt, shame, or helplessness
- Difficulty concentrating in school
- Psychosomatic symptoms like headaches or stomachaches
- Alignment with one parent against the other
- Social withdrawal or difficulty making friends
Teenagers (13–18 years)
- Anger, aggression, or oppositional behavior
- Withdrawal from family or immersion in destructive peer groups
- Academic decline or truancy
- Early experimentation with drugs, alcohol, or sex
- Depression, self-harm, or suicidal ideation
No matter their age, when children are chronically exposed to toxic fighting, it disrupts their healthy development and teaches them dysfunctional relationship patterns and conflict resolution instincts.
Buffering the Impacts and Modeling Healthy Conflict Resolution
Even the most compatible couples will disagree and argue from time to time. Having the occasional argument does not make you a bad parent. What matters is how you handle your disagreements, an essential part of any healthy co-parenting dynamic.
As much as you can, save difficult conversations for when the kids are asleep or out of the house. Children pick up on a lot more than most adults realize. If a disagreement arises in front of your children, agree with your spouse to discuss it later rather than fighting right then and there.
When you do need to have difficult discussions, model respectful communication for your children. Avoid name-calling, shouting, stonewalling, or slamming doors. Attack the problem, not each other.
Use “I” statements to express your feelings rather than accusatory “you” statements. Take breaks if things get too heated, and come back once you have cooled off.
If an argument gets out of hand, apologize for losing your temper. Reassure your children that, even when mom and dad fight, they still love each other, and the family is still okay. Demonstrate forgiveness and affection toward your partner.
If you and your spouse are prone to destructive fighting or find yourselves unable to resolve conflicts, consider seeking counseling. A skilled therapist can equip you with healthier ways of resolving conflicts.
Not only will this reduce the psychological burden on your children, but it will also teach them positive communication skills.
Put Your Child’s Well-Being First
No matter what you’re going through with your spouse, your child deserves to feel safe, secure, and protected. When parents fight or argue in front of a child, it robs them of that basic sense of stability.
Prioritize your children’s emotional well-being, even amidst the pain of your own adult conflicts. Shield them from arguments as much as you can, and demonstrate healthy conflict resolution when you cannot. If you are going through a divorce, put their needs first and avoid putting them in the middle.
Remember, your relationship with the other parent may end, but your child’s relationship with both parents is forever. By handling conflict responsibly, you set the stage for a healthier co-parenting relationship down the road.
If you need help navigating a high-conflict divorce or child custody dispute, we’re here for you. Contact us today to set up your initial consultation or call us directly at (214) 646-3253.
