Divorce is one of the most challenging experiences a family can go through, and it can be especially difficult for children, which is why providing divorce support for your children is so critical to their long-term emotional and mental well-being.
They may feel a range of intense negative emotions, including confusion, fear, anger, and guilt, and may struggle to adapt to all the changes happening in their lives. Fortunately, there is plenty you can do as a parent to help.
In this post, you will learn how to help your kids deal with divorce in a way that is not just helpful and healthy, but that also prepares them to deal with any conflicts that might come up along the way.
Explaining Divorce (and Difficult Causes of Divorce) to Your Children in an Age-Appropriate Way
One of the most important aspects of divorce support for children is helping them understand what is happening in a way that is appropriate for their age and maturity level.
Your kids will inevitably have questions about the divorce—it is crucial to answer these questions as honestly and clearly as possible while still keeping explanations age-appropriate.
For younger children, it is best to keep explanations simple and straightforward. You might say something like, “Mommy and Daddy have decided we cannot live together anymore, but we both still love you very much, and that will never change.”
Avoid going into too much detail about the specific reasons for the divorce if you can as this can be confusing or overwhelming for young children. The key message to emphasize is that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents still love them unconditionally.
Helping Older Children and Teenagers Understand
Older children and teenagers may have more specific questions about how the divorce will impact their day-to-day lives. They may worry about living arrangements, splitting time between parents, and changes to family traditions or routines.
Answer these questions as thoroughly and patiently as you can where appropriate. If there are some aspects of the divorce that are still being worked out, it is okay to say that you do not have all the answers yet but that you will keep them updated and involve them in decisions when appropriate.
Addressing Difficult Issues, Like Alcohol and Drug Abuse or Infidelity
If the cause of the divorce is infidelity, drug/alcohol abuse, or a similarly touchy subject, keep in mind that sometimes it is best to be straightforward about the cause, especially if it is something the children already suspect (or have perhaps heard from a friend or family member).
It is generally better to deal with such issues head-on rather than hoping they will go away while your child is left trying to figure out such difficult issues on their own.
However, every family is unique, and if your kids genuinely do not know about the infidelity, drug use, etc., and are not likely to learn about it from an outside source, keeping it from them for now may be appropriate—working with a therapist for children who specializes in divorce is best in these difficult situations.
Validating Your Children’s Emotions and Giving Them the Chance to Express Themselves
Divorce can trigger a wide range of emotions in children, all of which are valid and normal. Some kids may feel sad, anxious, or fearful about all the upcoming changes and uncertainty. Others may feel angry or resentful, especially if they feel they have no control over the situation.
Many children, particularly younger ones, may struggle with feelings of guilt, worrying that they somehow caused the divorce or that they are being disloyal to one parent by loving the other.
Giving Your Kids Time and Opportunity to Talk
A key part of providing divorce support for children is giving them the time and opportunity to express all of these emotions without any judgment—to put it simply, you need to listen to what they have to say and let them say it without comment.
Let your kids know that whatever they are feeling is okay and that you are always there to listen and take care of them. Avoid minimizing or dismissing their feelings, even if what they are expressing seems irrational to you.
Remember that children do not have the same emotional processing skills as adults. They need to feel heard and validated as they work through complex emotions.
Helping Kids Who Do Not Like to Talk
If your kids do not normally like to talk about their feelings, look for opportunities to check in and see if they might decide to open up. You might ask open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling about the divorce today?” or “What has been the hardest part of this for you?”
If your kid struggles to articulate their emotions verbally, encourage them to express themselves through art, writing, or play. You might also consider working with a therapist—some children are much more willing to talk to a trusted adult who is not their parent than to either of their parents.
Maintaining Stability and Consistency Between Households
One of the biggest challenges of divorce for children is the disruption it causes to their familiar routines and sense of stability.
To minimize this disruption and provide effective divorce support for children, it is important for you and your ex-spouse to work together to maintain as much consistency as possible between households.
As much as you can, try to keep daily routines like bedtimes, mealtimes, and school schedules the same in both homes. Familiarity and predictability can help children feel safe and secure during a time of change.
If there are certain family traditions that are important to your children, find ways to continue them post-divorce, even if they need to be modified.
Keeping Expectations, Rules, and Consequences Consistent
It is also important for you and your ex-spouse to aim for consistency in parenting styles and household rules. Children do best when their parents present a united front, even if they are no longer married.
Work with your ex to agree on shared expectations around discipline, screen time, homework, and other key parenting issues.
If you and your ex have very different parenting philosophies, consider working with a mediator or parenting coordinator who can help you find compromises and develop a consistent parenting plan.
Get Help with Your Divorce Today
Figuring out how to help your kids deal with divorce can feel overwhelming, especially when you are in the middle of the legal process yourself, but we are here to help.
Contact us today to set up your initial consultation or call us directly at (214) 646-3253.
