Safety Planning for Domestic Violence & Abuse | 4 Crucial Steps for Leaving Safely

As anyone who has been in an abusive relationship will tell you, leaving is not as simple as packing your bags and walking out the door—putting together a domestic abuse safety plan is the first step in leaving. It does not do you any good to run if it puts you, your children, or your family at risk of being harmed. 

Domestic abuse is far too common in Texas: 1 in 3 Texans will experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime. If you feel trapped, your first step may be to go through the process of safety planning, even if it is just in your head. 

Safety planning for domestic violence is a critical tool for getting out without getting hurt. A safety plan is a practical guide that helps you identify action steps to increase your security in an abusive relationship, both while preparing to leave and after leaving. 

1. Prioritize Your and Your Family’s Immediate Safety

Your, your children’s, and your family’s immediate safety should be your top priority when creating a plan to leave the abuser. Here are a few things you can do to stay safe when the abuser starts escalating:

  • If an argument or explosive outburst occurs, move to a room with an easy exit—not a bathroom, kitchen, or anywhere near weapons.
  • Do not be afraid to call the police. You have no obligation to protect the abuser from the consequences of their actions.
  • Make a habit of backing your car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and lock the others.
  • Use a code word or signal with family, friends, and trusted neighbors so that they know to call the police if they hear it.
  • Teach your children how to call 911. Make sure they know your address and phone number.
  • Consider buying and hiding one or more cheap cell phones throughout the house that you can call 911 on. Keep these completely separate from any phone or bank accounts the abuser has access to.
  • Put together an overnight bag for yourself and anyone who will be leaving with you. Make sure everyone who will be leaving knows where the bags are.
  • Decide where you will go if you leave, whether that be a friend’s or family member’s home, a police station, or a domestic violence shelter.
  • Remember that you have a right to defend yourself. No one has the right to harm you—or even touch you.

Once you have a plan for how to deal with the next inevitable incident, you can create a domestic abuse safety plan for leaving permanently.

2. Plan for Separation

If you are planning to leave permanently, make sure you have mapped out the process to maximize your safety and the safety of those around you. Here are some steps to take.

Support System

  • Start with building a support system. Reach out to trusted friends, family, co-workers, or a therapist. 
  • Contact local domestic violence organizations. They can provide shelter, safety planning, legal advocacy, and counseling.
  • Use a computer at work, the library, or a friend’s house to download information and resources.

Documentation and Contact Info

  • Gather important documents, make copies, and store them with a trusted friend or in a safety deposit box:
    • Driver’s licenses, IDs, Social Security cards, and passports
    • Birth certificates
    • Health insurance cards
    • Medical and school records
    • Credit cards and checks
    • Bank statements
    • Immigration documents
    • Leases, deeds, rental agreements
  • Open a post office box and have mail forwarded there.
  • Make copies of house and car keys and leave them with someone you trust.

Cell Phone

  • Get at least one private cell phone and store important numbers. 
  • Lock your cell phone with a passcode that the abuser does not know.
  • Set your phone to delete all information if the wrong passcode is entered too many times.
  • Turn off location services on your phone.
  • Turn off Bluetooth on your phone.
  • Turn off automatic connections to your home’s WiFi.
  • Be careful of turning off or getting rid of a phone the abuser is monitoring—this may cause an escalation.
  • Manually enter any info into phones the abuser does not have access to—otherwise, monitoring software may make its way onto your new phone.

Money

  • Begin putting aside money. Even if it is only a few dollars a week, start saving for when you leave. 
  • Open a savings account in your name only. Instruct the institution not to give access to the abuser.
  • Have some cash on hand in case you are not able to access your credit or debit cards.

Children

  • If you have children, include them in safety planning. 
  • Teach them about calling 911. 
  • Let them know the abuse is not their fault. 
  • Identify a safe place for them to go if violence breaks out (a room with a lock or a neighbor’s house).
  • Remove their social media access—the abuser can use this to track you.

Tracking Devices

Many abusers today use location-tracking devices:

  • Ask a mechanic or law enforcement officer to go through your car for any devices.
  • Consider only removing the device at the last minute, right before you leave, to avoid suspicion.
  • Treat any gifts with suspicion, and be especially wary of gifts given to your children—they may include tracking devices. Consider leaving behind any gifts when you leave.

Evidence for a Protective Order

To eventually get a protective order, you need to provide evidence of bad behavior to a judge. Document as much evidence as you can:

  • Keep a log of all incidents, including date, time, type, witnesses, and police involvement—keep all this in a secure location.
  • Take pictures of all injuries or destruction of property.
  • Keep screenshots of all threatening messages on a device that the abuser does not have access to.
  • Keep voicemails, letters, and gifts.
  • Keep all tracking devices, and if you find tracking software on a device, take screenshots.

Leaving

  • When you are ready to leave, choose a time when the abuser will be away. 
  • Have a packed bag with essentials hidden in a discreet but accessible place, like at a sympathetic neighbor’s or friend’s house.
  • Include duplicate keys to your home and car and important medications.

3. Protect Yourself through the Legal System

Once you have left, you can take legal action to protect yourself. We highly recommend you work with an experienced attorney as this part of the process can be complex and overwhelming, especially if you are not familiar with the legal system.

The most common legal recourse is a protective order (in Texas, this is not the same as a restraining order). This is a civil court order signed by a judge that prohibits the abuser from certain acts, such as:

  • Coming near you, your home, your work
  • Contacting you in any way
  • Harassing or threatening you
  • Possessing firearms

It may also grant you certain rights, like temporary custody of children and possession of a shared home.

There are usually two types of orders: temporary (or ex parte) and permanent. A temporary order can typically be granted right away without a full court hearing. It is short-term, generally lasting 2–3 weeks until a court hearing. 

At that hearing, you will both have a chance to tell your story. Then the judge will decide whether to issue a “permanent” order, which despite the name, usually lasts for a set period (generally 2 years, but it can last the lifetime of the abuser if the court so chooses).

We know the idea of facing the abuser in court is scary, but you do not have to do this alone. A domestic violence advocate or attorney can help you navigate the process. 

The specifics of filing vary, but it generally involves the following:

  • Completing paperwork
  • Filing it with the court clerk
  • Attending a hearing

You will need to bring any evidence of abuse (photos of injuries, medical records, police reports, witness statements, threatening messages).

Once you have an order, keep a copy with you at all times. Give copies to your work, landlord, and children’s school. Call 911 immediately if the abuser violates it.

Be aware that an order of protection is not a guarantee of safety. Some abusers violate orders, and police response may not be immediate, but it is an important layer of legal protection to include in your safety plan for domestic violence.

4. Stay Safe After Leaving

Your safety plan must evolve after leaving the abuser. The risk of violence often increases post-separation as the abuser tries to regain control. Shift your focus to long-term safety:

Phone and Technology

  • Delete your social media accounts—your location can be identified and even tracked through your photos, and photos of your activities may set off the abuser.
  • Change your phone number.
  • Get rid of all old technology the abuser had access to, including phones, computers, and tablets.
  • Be especially wary of children’s phones or tablets—abusers rightly assume these will be less suspect.
  • Get rid of gifts or toys that could potentially have tracking or listening devices installed.
  • Consider letting all unknown calls go to voicemail, and avoid calling back unknown numbers.

Home

  • Change your locks.
  • Install a security system and outdoor lighting.
  • Use a post office box for mail.
  • Apply for the Texas Address Confidentiality Program.
  • Consider moving to a new area the abuser is not familiar with.

People

  • Let key people (employer, school, daycare) know about the situation.
  • Provide them a copy of any legal documents and a photo of the abuser so they can identify them.
  • Be especially wary of known contacts/associates of the abuser, and consider blocking them along with the abuser.
  • Be cautious about mutual friends or family who you cannot remove from your life and who might pass information to the abuser.

Activities

  • If you have an order of protection and the abuser violates it by following or threatening you, call 911 and your attorney immediately.
  • Take a different route home from work each day.
  • Change up your routine as much as possible.
  • Shop and bank at different places.

Leaving an abuser often involves leaving behind financial security. You may have to find a new home and source of income, but there are community resources to help you get back on your feet.

Domestic violence advocates can connect you with housing assistance, food banks, employment services, and low-cost childcare. Apply for assistance programs like TANF, SNAP, and Medicaid.

We know safety planning for domestic violence is overwhelming. The legal system is complex, the barriers are significant, and the journey can be terrifying. But you do not have to navigate this alone—we are here to help.

Let’s Talk About How We Can Help You Today

If you are trying to leave an abuser, let’s talk about how we can help you from a legal standpoint (we can also assist with divorce).

Contact us today to set up your initial consultation or call us directly at (214) 646-3253.